losing:

when i lost you [is lost really the correct word? i don't know anymore] i didn't expect to lose so much of myself. i hadn't even realized that much was missing until it was gone and i tried to be whole again.

family is a concept difficult to define. my family is my family not because they are related to me, and includes my mother and father because they have proven themselves worthy again and again to be called as someone i can count on and love and trust with pieces of my heart - as that is all i'm willing to give out anymore.

god is not a boyfriend. he's not even human - not succeptible to the same thoughts, patterns, emotions and reactions. he will not pull away just as i'm starting to get close, he will not break my heart and leave me there to heal myself. that's not to say that god will not break my heart at all...i hope he does - i welcome it! because, though i can't feel it, i believe that if my heart is broken by god, then it will be repaired with more love, grace and care than any one person could ever muster for another.

it's amazing how thinking of one heartbreak leads to thinking of another...until you [i] reach the point where my chest feels so heavy that i can barely breathe, let alone think of loving or moving. i don't like feeling this much or this heavy. i don't like not controlling my own reactions or ...

an inconclusive conclusion [how about that] to a theory as yet unmentioned and only minimally tested: the best kind of love stings a little. perhaps that's the price of sacrifice for the greater good.

today should be rainier than it is.

cigarettes and dr pepper:

i need a cigarette. i want a soda.

*self-indulgent whining is official over*

pandora radio, you are truly my hero.

likes: black and white photography, the rain, unique couches, shopping for groceries, smoking and culinary triumps.

dislikes: water that has a metallic taste, metallica the band, metal chopsticks...just kidding. people who don't fill out paperwork correctly, making a big deal out of something small and slightly irritating and not having a balanced checkbook.


buy a head of lettuce. admit that you're destructable. write chris a letter. or four. call your father.

seattle vs. kansas city:

seattle studio apartments: average $700.00
kansas city 2 bedroom apartments: average $600.00

seattle banking salary: approximately $24,500.00 a year average
kansas city banking salary: approximately $22,000.00 a year average

seattle gas: average $4.15 per gallon
kansas city gas: average $3.85 per gallon

availability of public transportation as well as inner-city ministry jobs in seattle outweighs kansas city. if my parents move there, then i'll have that as well. maybe i'll just get married and buy a boat and live on that. a sailboat has to be cheaper than a house/apartment and a car and other crap.

so...Prominent Kansas City Car Dealership Owner [i.e. PKCCDO] banks with us. now, PKCCDO of course has tons of frickin' money, and we're lucky that he chooses to leave it all with us. or most of it, whatever. PKCCDO chooses to get five grand [FIVE. GRAND.] back on his deposit. handing him that amount of money makes me feel a little ill.

i'll never see that amount of cash in my life that actually belongs to me. if i was given that much cash, i would cry. and then live on it for six months.

now i'm all grumpy.