[also, i recognize that most people would read that and think "yeah, obviously." however, in my experience, spiritual growth seems to be a process of relearning the same things over again and with deeper conviction. juvenile, perhaps, but it's where i live.]
i feel like those of us who claim to have any type of christian faith can live our lives in two different ways: first, by deciding what it is we believe and making our actions line up with those beliefs; second, by letting our actions be what they may then assigning our beliefs to coincide with how we naturally act.
i have been doing the latter for far too long.
i believe myself to be a moral person. i don't punch animals or small children, trip the elderly or call names to those [few] in the world nerdier than i. i try to pay attention to my friends and help when i can, offering advice, comfort or humor when necessary. when i love someone, i love unabashedly and usually loyally. none of this means anything without the proper motivation.
i'm tired of letting myself be whoever it is i just naturally am without considering the consequences or holding myself accountable to who i should be. the mistakes i've made, both named and unamed, that have resulted from this lifestyle are myriad. and it is no longer just a few mistakes - now it has become my entire life. my christianity has become entirely nominal. and what good is sacrifice when your reasoning is hollow? i don't want to be that person any longer.
also, i've been trying to figure out why orthodoxy has so pulled me in. i understand the initial interest, but have been surprised by my continued commitment. and all i can say is that...i've found something that works. it makes me think and it makes me feel and it makes me care, which is more than i can say for myself for the past couple years. i find freedom in the structure and feel the presence of god without it having to be emotionally teased from me. [for the first time, i feel as if i'm told women can't be leaders, but don't feel the oppression that generally comes with it].
i want to continue to be honest, not only with myself, but with others. if it comes time that i convert, i know i will have to open myself up to confession in a way i never have before. and that terrifies me. but hopefully that will begin a practice which will continue my entire life.
"lord my god, i know that i am not worthy nor sufficient that thou shouldest enter under my roof into the habitation of my soul, for it is all deserted and in ruins, and thou hast not a fitting place in me to lay thy head...thou didst not reject the sinful woman who ventured to draw near to touch thee, so also have pity on me, a sinner, approaching to touch thee...for it is not with careless heart that i approach thee, o christ my god, but i come trusting in thine infinite goodness, and fearing lest i may be drawn afar from thee and become the prey of the wolf of souls...implant in my members the fear of thee, be thou my helper and guide, directing my life in the paths of peace, and make me worthy to stand at thy right hand with thy saints..."
- from st. john chrysostom
