I am:

Fucking exhausted by all the thoughts in my head that take up so much of my time and don't change a damn thing. Can't change a damn thing.

Because none of this was up to me. I didn't choose it.

funny...

...i would've thought i would feel more.

god, give me what my soul needs.

amalgam:

"love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

but if your love and must needs have desires,

let these be your desires:

to melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night.

to know the pain of too much tenderness.

to be wounded by your own understanding of love;

and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

to wake at dawn with a winged heart

and give thanks for another day of loving;

to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy;

to return home at eventide with gratitude;

and then to sleep with a prayer

for the beloved in your heart

and a song of praise upon your lips."

 - kahlil gibran: let these be your desires

i am much more comfortable with deciding than considering. as a result, prolonged personal reflection is difficult sometimes. but following an unwise course of action? that's like home to me.

"and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

then it's time to go

and define your destination - there's so many different places to call home

because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written

it's plain to see

that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions - would you agree? 

if so, please show me"

 - death cab for cutie: you are a tourist

"well, i've got no one's word and nobody's promise
not a lot to show but this book full of sonnets
and my liver may be fucked by my heart is honest"
 - passenger: things that stop you dreaming

lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me - a sinner.