the most poignant realization yet:

you never really were a very good friend.



why fight with myself and spend time hardening my heart to the inevitable ache that your friendship will cause when, in reality, it was never that great of one anyway.
you're not a bad person. you're just not good for me, in any respect really.




i remember you saying to me "you like it when i'm an asshole, that's why i act like one." and it's true that that is annoyingly insightful. but the thing is, you're not an ass in jest - you truly are an ass.
and i don't like it anymore.

so i'm trying my best to erase this memory that has lodged itself in the back of my mind and floats to the surface at odd and wildly inappropriate moments. i don't want to remember your hands or your lips or your stupid, slurred words.

i want you out. for real.

gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is:

take our hands outta control.


heartbreak is an odd and fickle thing, coming and going the same as ... well, silly things to make analogies from, at any rate.







gold lion's gonna tell me where the light is.

yep.

it has to be a mark of my incredible character that i was just kissed by and rejected by the same guy in 24 hours for whom i've had feelings for upwards of year and i'm more concerned about his state of mind than my own.

right? this means i'm an amazing person and he would be lucky to have me, correct?

yeah, because all of the no people who read this blog really know.




there are no words to describe how ridiculous my life has become. i cannot find them, or fathom them or even create them. guttural noises are not sufficient. it's amazing that the time that i've been the most adult-like in my life is the time that i feel like the most crap for doing it.

what happened to the me that was so focused and knew i was loved even if it wasn't by the person who was standing in front of me? what happened to being coolly independent and stoic?
what happened to jesus? when did i fail to even consider him in the equation. i hate that this situation seems to be my rock-bottom, yet here i am. sitting at rock-bottom.

last night

was christmas eve.

you...literally held my hand. you kissed me and said my name and told me i was the best and that i smelled good and that you didn't want me to leave.

you kissed me.
you kissed me.
you kissed me.



and i would be willing to stake all the money i have on the fact that you aren't going to remember it this morning.

excessively bitchy

i hate today and everything having to do with it. mostly, i hate myself in today.

i've not felt good for awhile and it's been getting closer and closer to actual sickness. and the closer i get to real-life sickly, the grumpier i get.
for real, i got ragefully and violently angry about the way some kid did his hair today at the bank.
i should be sent to shock therapy.


i think that the hardest life lesson that i'm slowly realizing is that it doesn't matter how generous i am, i can't make others generous just by being so myself. being good doesn't make others good, being helpful doesn't make others helpful. that's a great ideal, but it's not reality. reality, in actuality [i'm an idiot] sucks. i'm over it.

wanting

the thing is, i want you to want what i want. but i want you to want it freely, not because of some sense of obligation to me or the season or whatever.




i really just want to be through with you.

today.

is an evil sort of day.

i'm not strong enough for this.

where did the sun go?

i'm becoming increasingly aware that myself, my friends and those whom i don't wish contact with anymore (that's a lie) never really know anything. the older we get, the less we are sure of anything at all. i can count the number of things that i know definitively on one hand. and of those one hand of things, less that 50% are of the spiritual variety.


what kind of leader tells people "i don't know. i don't know, and i can't tell you a surefire way to find out. because i don't know that either."


honesty? i want to tell you congratulations. i honestly never thought you would do it, but i'm glad you did. and i hope it brings you happiness, deeper meaning, closer to god, whatever. mostly i just hope that you get out of it whatever it is you're looking for. and don't be surprised if you run into me there some day.









i am so insufficient. and replacable. and i'm tired of being this person and i want to become less. none of my ramblings make sense, but that's okay. bleeargh.

love isn't all it's cracked up to be.

today i spent 4 hours sitting at panera, talking to friends about this idea of God's love for the city and how the church needs to realign itself to this purpose. indulging in my curiosity afterwards, i decided to call eric since he is apparently being friendly this weekend and get his input on the whole thing.

he is...so closed off. and cynical. his bitterness literally hurts my heart, and for so many reasons. while i know in my heart eric will not take up the cross of poverty and follow me into the city, my head still liked playing with the idea. and thus my heart sneaked its little way around that thought and began to meditate on it. now, i've been emotionally vacant for long enough at this point that my heart hasn't hurt over anything in the better part of two years. and now...now that i'm ready to open my heart up to feeling and thinking and existing again, this has to be the first thing it comes across. if i was younger, if i was a little more innocent i might be able to harbor the fantasy that i can be passionate and loving and honest enough to change him. but i'm none of those things, and i know better now.

i have to let you go. i have to let hope for this silly little daydream of mine go. this kind of hope is doing nothing more than killing me, especially now that i understand what hope truly is once more.


i rarely let myself indulge in this type of wishing, but i want to be married. i want to find someone who will be passionate about what i am passionate about and excited to live in the city and sacrifice the middle-class lifestyle for something greater that god has called both of us to.


i want. to have someone. to share this life that i am so excited about with.

desperation:

seriously. last night and tonight were evenings made for dates. or date-type hanging out. i would take it.


i thought that moving 210 miles away from eric would fuel my resolve to stop thinking on him. wrong. i thought that leaving wichita and coming to kansas city would immediately recenter my heart on the fact that he is not good for me. wrong. i thought that the availability of other males worthy of my attention would distract me from my first "post-relationship crush." wrong.

wrong wrong wrong!

i...gah. honesty, because i'm tired of not having it: i want, more than anything, for there to be meaning to the things that he says and does. and i think i'm drawn to an eric that used to exist, that i wish was still around. if i had known him four years ago, would he still be the person he is now? [____] would the story have been any different? would the story be any different now? despite my recent ability to be a real human being, i'm still so susceptible to cynicism and bitterness. i want someone who will embrace this call of poverty and love and move with me into the city. [____] eric is not that. despite his bumbling, clever, silly attractiveness - he is not that.

when will truly feeling like an adult happen? when i'm 25? 28? 30? whenever i get my first career-oriented job and am entirely providing for myself? when i can truly master my own thoughts and emotions?

someone to whom i've become close recently said to me that it seems as if the older we get, the less resilient we become. perhaps that has something to do with this - i can't bounce back like i used to. too much has a profound and lasting effect on me: and not always in a positive way.


i want you out of my heart and out of my mind unless that's where god wants you. and even if it is, then god and i need to have a chat.

soon and very soon

you will be wondrously and gloriously gone from my life.

entirely...
and this hole will stay the same until i find someone else with whom to fill it.






i need so much. an evangelistic zeal.

work:

i'm tired of being told i'm "fucking horrible" just because our hours are an inconvenience to you.

how old are most people when they learn the difference between personal and business? hopefully cursing at me makes you feel better - at least someone's then getting something out of this.

from william carey's heart to mine:

"bless God for a day of calm, though I mourn my heart's strange stupidity."