my problem with life:

i miss mine.

sunday pretty much all i could think...well, besides "please god don't ever let me preach like that," was that pride is the haven of the fearful and i know this is true because my life is a testament to that exact thing. i'm tired of being prideful for no reason except feeling superior allows me to pull away from everyone and everything around me. yeah. because that's worked so well for me in the past. i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of everything.



i'm tired of days that last 13 hours and not getting to sleep in because i have to be in class the next morning. i'm tired of feeling as if i'm just a little bit behind everyone else and nothing is working out for me.


...i spent the past 10 years of my life being the person i wanted to be (more or less) and i never. ever. thought that i would be alienated for it at school. work, maybe. but never school. i'm too goofy to be professional and too liberal to be a youth leader.

this is what they call Professionally Screwed.

donation drive:

i officially need the gold edition of logos bible software.

it's only about $1,400.00 and i think it can be classified as necessary to my daily life.

i wonder if it functions like a cup of coffee - the more expensive ones offer free refills. if you really pay that much for the ultimate software, you get to update it for free foreverandeveramen.



right. because christians are going to randomly stop being greedy and see the importance of poor seminarians studying the word of god. cheaply.
eff.

my life is so hard.

it's really hard to look cute when my nose is puffy and red and i've spilled my tea in my lap.

however, pathetic isn't a far stretch. clearly i'm someone worth getting to know.





anytime now.

i thought i would have to love again before my heart would break this much.

or maybe it is breaking because i love already.
best friends aren't supposed to do this. though you didn't do this to me...it still sucks.

dear eric,

can there please be some small place in my life or on the internet where you don't randomly pop up? because while i'm trying very hard to avoid you, you're making it difficult.


i know that i had to tell him about what happened on christmas eve. that it was his time and his actions which he lost and that he had a right to know what occurred. but that doesn't mean every single time those memories pop into my mind, i don't wish that i was the one that had been too drunk to remember.

randomshit:

people talk too much. there is entirely too much conversation everywhere, all the time. it is wholly unnecessary and completely unwanted. furthermore on this subject, i'm over the herd mentality. just because everyone else is somewhere doesn't mean i want to be there, too. usually it means i want to walk away from there. preferably quickly and while smoking a cigarette.

adults who are incapable of keeping track of their money baffle me. especially when they are given every possible tool to do so. it's called a check register, kids. it's newer than a slide rule, and easier to use than a spreadsheet.

i apparently belong to a small [but growing!] number of women who have little to no drive to bear children. i think they tend to be smelly, whiny and a whole lot of effort. i don't like kids, i don't coo over them and think that their every little baby spitgurble is adorable. it's really okay that i don't want kids, i really won't wake up some day and regret it. really. i promise you. if they would offer hysterectomy's to perfectly healthy young women, you could sign me up.

i am ready and willing to do with eric what i couldn't do before. granted, it's a com.plete.ly. different situation, but i think that there is no harm in at least trying. trying and failing is better than not trying at all.
usually, anyway. : )


i've never felt the desire to live in an art studio more than i do right now. i was in someone's house today who has built a tree in the middle of their loft. and the bedrooms are basically little hobbit-holes. and i want that. so so badly.





sometimes i think that we write words to the other, hoping they will understand. forgive. after so long of not saying these things, it's easier to just act as if you'll read them. and know that everything is okay. well, not everything. but enough.

out out out, please. please out. the more i think about it the angrier i get and angrier i get the more i want to punish you for being such an unrelenting dick. unfortunately, i don't think that my chosen punishment is particularly painful for you. which makes me even more angry.

the only thing i can do is choose to try to be friends with you. and truly be myself, which isn't the person i've let you see so far. and if it doesn't work, then there's no harm in cutting it off, in telling you i just can't do it.





yes or no. which will it be.

i love how i can make everything in my life into an existential crisis.

and by love, i definitely mean hate.




being completely pure of motivation and entirely altruistic is a fuck lot harder than i figured it would be. mostly because it doesn't just naturally happen. i actually have to work for something, and that sucks.

i can see us being friends, but it requires me being so different. i can't exactly avoid you, you're part of my life whether i want it or not. but i don't know that i could give up what i had hoped for for...far too long.

bleeargh. you're overthinking this jamie. just call him, apologize and then move on. whatever happens, happens. it's too much.








i.love.sunnydayrealestate. and i forget it all the time.

anacoluthon:

a failure to complete a sentence as the initial linguistic structure requires. this may be an intentional literary form or simply an accident due to the author losing his or her train of thought.

i believe this is my new favorite concept. and could you imagine an entire novel-length text written using only anacoluthon?




welcome to my life. : )

jane says:

i'm done with sergio. he treats me like a rag doll.



happy new year. this is the first year i've not even subconsciously made any new year resolutions. in retrospect, i suppose i should come up with a few at least:

don't smoke so much. no wonder i cough like i have lung cancer.
don't drink so much (i suppose this counts as a resolution, considering i decided to adhere to this one upon waking christmas morning).
actually listen to the music i have on my itunes, or delete it.
live a simpler, cheaper and more focused life. just because i have the money doesn't mean i have to spend it.



eventually megan and i will move into the castle apartments. and we've already decided that once this happens, our fridge will be on the ground floor. there will be plenty of storage space for all of our stuff. life will be easier, and since we're dreaming - we'll have a maid. these castle apartments are wonderful!