thoughts of fancy:

i...think i'm dropping out of school.

and moving to texas. eeeeeee.



i said, "you know, i think you're the love of my life without being the love of my life, you know what i mean?"
you said, "yeah...i was thinking about it the other day and thought 'i'm just going to end up marrying jamie.' and i kind of laughed."
i said, "that would be ironic, huh? like, painfully so. not that marrying you would be painful, but just that so many people would be able to say 'i knew it!' "
you said, "absolutely. that would be like, the zenith of irony! mountains would be jealous of that shit."
i said, "ha. yeah."


and then i asked you to move to texas with me. i don't think about you this way until you bring it up. and you don't say you love me, but you remind me almost daily.

stop. being. awesome.

in other news, i am almost done with school [for this semester]. yay! but i'll take it. and this summer i'm going to sit outside and read. i'm going to get sunburned, and take photos and go fishing and walk around and watch shakespeare in the park. i long for mobility, but am comfortable in my place, for now.
for now.

oh dogman.

i think that, for the first time in my life, it's hitting me that i can go anywhere and do anything i want to (obviously within reason) right now. my life does not have to be decided already.
i want to live in seattle. and maybe boston. and chicago. and perhaps austin. and portland. and london. and dublin. and rome.

and here, and here, and here.

i actually picked up the phone when my cousin called me the other day. i feel bad because every time she calls i'm with people who i love or i'm doing homework, and i don't answer. friday we had a lovely conversation about school, becoming an adult and my stupid-ass decisions over christmas. i guess, to me, the statement "and then he asked me to move in with him and we made out for awhile and he threw up and didn't remember any of it the next day, then broke my heart when he told me he didn't like me" doesn't conjure up as much shock and revulsion as it once did.

i'm 24. i'm entirely broken. i don't pray, i don't read, i don't think, i don't care anymore. my time is spent "preparing" for ministry, but i'm so busy "preparing" and paying for that preparation that i can't actually do ministry as an outside activity. which is important to me. consequently, i'm ready to abandon my master's program after only a year. i just can't handle it anymore.

next semester i am only taking one class, and see if maybe things are better when i'm not working full-time and going to school full-time as well.








fizzle. fade. fountain. fortune. faith. fiduciary. free-spirited. fallow. facsimile. fake.