something about a bo burnham poem:

if love is a two-way street, then ours is one of those parkways where the lanes are separated by gardens and fountains and trees and walkways and statues. 

and most probably, defying all convention, both lanes are headed in the same direction. 

and it's probably very little like love at all. 

two-way street, indeed. 

how can my heart long so much for two opposite things simultaneously? why is it so difficult for me to spell "simultaneous" and the various derivatives? 

i said to him "i am fascinated by and drawn to his differences. they are so much of what i love about him. i know it maybe doesn't make sense and certainly isn't good for the state of my heart, but it's true." 

he said to me "ha.that just shows that it's him you are genuinely attracted to, not someone or something that doesn't really exist that you've created in your mind."

i said to him "well, fuck." 

seems i've been saying that a lot these days. 

i don't know if i still hold on to you out of any real hope or just out of sheer stubborn pride...stubborn hopefulness? i am not someone who says these things to a ton of people. often i say these things to no one until they are no longer relevant and i can truly say "i felt this way once" or "at one point in time, i thought..." 

you, despite your lack of faith in anything you can't quantify or describe or doesn't seem rational, make me want to be a better person. you inspire me to love god and others more deeply and in a more real way. sorry if that offends. 

ACTUALLY, i'm NOT sorry if that offends you, because it's the truth. 

I am:

Fucking exhausted by all the thoughts in my head that take up so much of my time and don't change a damn thing. Can't change a damn thing.

Because none of this was up to me. I didn't choose it.

funny...

...i would've thought i would feel more.

god, give me what my soul needs.

amalgam:

"love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

but if your love and must needs have desires,

let these be your desires:

to melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night.

to know the pain of too much tenderness.

to be wounded by your own understanding of love;

and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

to wake at dawn with a winged heart

and give thanks for another day of loving;

to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy;

to return home at eventide with gratitude;

and then to sleep with a prayer

for the beloved in your heart

and a song of praise upon your lips."

 - kahlil gibran: let these be your desires

i am much more comfortable with deciding than considering. as a result, prolonged personal reflection is difficult sometimes. but following an unwise course of action? that's like home to me.

"and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

then it's time to go

and define your destination - there's so many different places to call home

because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written

it's plain to see

that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions - would you agree? 

if so, please show me"

 - death cab for cutie: you are a tourist

"well, i've got no one's word and nobody's promise
not a lot to show but this book full of sonnets
and my liver may be fucked by my heart is honest"
 - passenger: things that stop you dreaming

lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me - a sinner.

the problem i have with dating:

to be interpreted as the reason it's an issue for me rather than the issue i have with it as a topic [or a gerund].

i stumbled upon this realization in a very extroverted type of way, which is highly rare for me. in talking to my roommate this evening about Things Which I Only Recently Realized Were Things, i spoke out of my mouth without really considering it that for a person to even qualify in my mind as potential dating material, they would have to eclipse the love i still have for one man [guy, boy]* and my enjoyment of my time with another simultaneously.

after saying it, i realized it was true. and now that i'm typing it, i realize [yes, a little late, whatever] that it's mostly impossible. AND since i've said so much out of my mouth already tonight, i think i won't actually speak that truth aloud.

in the grand scheme of things, there's nothing particularly special about these two particular people. they are both intelligent, funny and unassuming in their own way. they can also be narcissistic, stubborn and blind to themselves.

i love them both. deeply and in the most ridiculous manner possible.

i have no right to love either one of them - they have both rejected me in their turn [not that that makes them unique either] and done nothing since that time to earn my respect, my care or even my consideration. which leads me to believe that i am really the worse kind of woman. of person. i would, do and probably will continue to waste my time looking for exactly what has already walked away from me. twice. twice!

at least this explains to me a little more why i am where i'm at. it is truly a situation of my own devising and of my own choice. and, let's be honest, one that i will continue to choose for the time to come. for time immemorial?

...let's not go overboard.

*the objective part of my mind recognizes that when one is nearly 30, one's peers are most definitely adults and worthy of being referred to as "men" and "women." however, the realistic part of my mind (the part that feels more like myself) automatically still says boy and girl. yet another thing i choose and can't unchoose. *shrug*

mmm

brussel sprouts. and all manner of good things.

camping

i'm just going to put this out there in the universe and hope that it comes true.

well, two things, actually:

i want to move somewhere different and have a job that i feel like makes a difference
and
i want to go camping every weekend in between now and november.

Today:

Today, I heard a message of liberal love in a conservative church and it warmed my heart.
Today, I cried at a wind farm and the hope that I have that we can truly make this world a better place.
Today, I heard a portion of a conversation not meant for me, and it showed me that my world will adjust and my world will right itself.
Today, I felt free to follow whatever path life has for me.
Today, I sat on my back porch while the thunder and rain came and danced and went on it's way.

Today, I wanted to go camping.

God, sometimes I am overcome with how much I am my own worst enemy.

My garden is both literally and figuratively overgrown.

Written 1.15.2013:

some things are so unabashedly beautiful they make my heart ache, but my mouth runs dry when trying to describe them. oftentimes even my memories are only of the faintest impressions of something meaningful, and purposeful and i struggle to even describe the context. i sound ignorant in the attempt.


i find myself seriously over analyzing recent situations, as if the thoughts i have and decisions i make in hindsight can change anything. my life has a definitive turning point - a point which i thought was a moment in time, a change in my direction...something that profoundly changed me, but to which i was no longer reacting.
false. oh. so. false.

i hate that i have so many people in my life that i can no longer talk to. i doubly hate that it is historically my choice to cut myself off from a person - for reasons, but it is nonetheless my decision. at the time i usually think some type of bullshit about how they don't want to talk to me any longer or (more childishly), how ceasing to be in relationship with them will hurt them as much as they have usually hurt me.

i'm an asshole. and an idiot.

these people are my community. i'm lucky enough to not only have a family of origin, but also a family of my heart. people who surround me with love and encouragement when my life gets difficult or my heart is aching for some reason or another. i wish 28-year-old-me could tell 26-year-old-me, 24-year-old-me and 21-year-old-me that there will come a time when i will wish that i had not cut off those who had hurt me, because being hurt is a part of life. and that i will come to love who i am, and i will come to see God's direction through all that hurt that seemed senseless at the time. that it all serves a purpose. and that it will be okay.

but instead i sit here, feeling like an idiot and an asshole.

i think, more than missing pieces of my community, missing those who have had a hand in shaping me (for good or bad), i regret fracturing those remain in my community from those who are in their community.

this is not eloquent, it's not intelligent, it's just thoughts floating around in my head the past few days. i hope that, in the future, i will be smart enough and patient enough to wait for any hurt or ache to lessen without breaking the relationship. because getting hurt IS a part of life, as cliche as that seems. for now, i will be thankful for those who remain my family, despite me being myself and pray that i will be older next time.

a funny grandpa story:

several things in my family are no hidden secret:

1. i am a bleeding liberal and incredibly opinionated.

2. i have some really entertaining stories from my experience working in corrections.

3. my father has a history including some pretty serious drug and alcohol abuse. 

apparently, my grandfather (my mom's father) knows approximately none of these things - which became pretty clear during a conversation we had earlier today. 

my grandpa was telling me about a guy he recently had to fire from his shop because the dude got all angry and cursed at my him. i don't know about you, but i know about zero 81-year-old men who would take kindly to being cursed at by their employees. this led to a discussion of drug abuse (because this guy did drugs*) and whether or not people can change. i made a comment about how it's surprising that my family is where they are, considering all we've come through to get to this point. enter grandpa:

grandpa: i think that people who have drank a lot...you know, been alcoholics can be rehabilitated. they can really change. but those other people, the people who have used drugs...i don't think there's any coming back from that. they just don't ever change. 

me:...grandpa, what do you think dad did?

[at this point in time, it's important to know that my dad and grandpa have a really good relationship. they spend time together and actually talk (something people don't usually do with my grandfather) and my grandpa respects my father]

grandpa: [barely hesitating] well, i guess he probably did more than just drink a little. 

me: yeah...a little.

grandpa: [without hesitation] well, i just don't think they can change.

unflappable, that man is. in a lesser man, i would see it as stubbornness. in my grandpa...it's stubbornness with a side of righteous indignation? i have no idea. i went on to explain to him that my career choices are dependent on people being able to change, so i can't think like that. he responded by telling me that experience teaches him that it's not possible. 

i think my favorite part of this story was retelling it to my parents later on. :)

*according to my grandfather, who is admittedly probably not an expert

by the way, whose lazy dog is this? 

too bad everyone can't enjoy the sun so much. 

happy march!

aah, informed consumption:

watched some of food, inc with the guys in scyp* for whom i facilitate groups today. told them that i don't care what they eat, but by god they're going to know what it is that goes on with the food they put in their bodies.


best. faces. ever.

*sedgwick county youth program. the guys there are juvenile offenders (16-23) and have to participate in cognitive skills groups. while i absolutely love working with these guys, anyone who knows anything about development knows that asking teenagers to use cognitive skills is like asking a goat to walk on two legs for the rest of its life.

urban farmer ftw?

i would like to preface this story by stating that i live in the suburbs.

about a week ago, myself and two friends were sitting on my back porch in the evening, enjoying the somewhat-similar-to-fall weather, the sounds of bugs in the dark and dogs barking, when we heard what sounded like a small child screaming in unbridled terror. looking at me with complete shock, one of my friends said, "is that a pig?!"

the answer was yes, yes it is.

at least once a week since that night, i have heard said pig squealing like...well, like a stuck pig. i've narrowed it down to the house behind mine. as i live in the suburbs, there is no alley separating our yards - just a privacy fence that really doesn't keep our backyard lives particularly private*.  it helps that my child-with-fur has shown a keen interest in the back fence all of a sudden. nero generally doesn't give two thoughts to another dog (not that he gives two consecutive thoughts to anything anyway)**, so his interest in the back fence was a pretty good indicator.

today we were out playing frisbee (being one of the only things my dog can focus on for longer than 13 seconds) when i heard that ungodly screeching coming from my neighbor's yard again. unable to contain myself, i snuck up to the not-so-private privacy fence and peeked through. the pig was standing on their back porch. with it's snout right by the sliding glass door. squealing to get let in. like a dog. like. a. dog.

are these people serious? is it even LEGAL to have a pig in the city limits? would they please let their damn pig in the house? also, if they can have a pig, but i can't have a pitbull, then we need to have a chat.



*example: on occasion, whenever their dogs are barkingbloodyhell at me when i'm watering the flowers in the garden, i will spray them through the fence to get them to leave me alone.

**remind me to document the running tally i keep of doors, doorjambs, walls and furniture that my dog walks into on a daily basis. and this isn't in the throes of excitement over getting fed or playing fetch - this is just normal walking around the house. or outside.

garnered from this tumblr. my new favorite internet obsession.

a line from my textbook when discussing american values and culture:

"individually we are ambivalent, while collectively we are, at best, a reluctant welfare state."

this makes me so sad in it's accuracy...anyone who dares to call this a christian nation should seriously consider our complete inability to live out equality and take care of one another beforehand.

politicspoliticspolitics. i want to be canadian.

sometimes:

i need to cry until i throw up.

layover:

if i die in a plane crash on my way to washington tomorrow, i need you to know something...

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i'm not sorry.

and would you mind just tossing my body into the sea?

thanks.

seattle, here i come!

something that changed my life

the priest said, during my catechism class this last week, "spirituality is practical."

*head explodes*

lenten musings:

a person i would call wise said to me awhile ago that what you do is based on what you think - that you're free to wish you believed something else, but that actions always, always reflect what you believe to be true. she didn't intend for this to happen, but this has been possibly the most convicting thing anyone has said to me lately.

[also, i recognize that most people would read that and think "yeah, obviously." however, in my experience, spiritual growth seems to be a process of relearning the same things over again and with deeper conviction. juvenile, perhaps, but it's where i live.]

i feel like those of us who claim to have any type of christian faith can live our lives in two different ways: first, by deciding what it is we believe and making our actions line up with those beliefs; second, by letting our actions be what they may then assigning our beliefs to coincide with how we naturally act.

i have been doing the latter for far too long.

i believe myself to be a moral person. i don't punch animals or small children, trip the elderly or call names to those [few] in the world nerdier than i. i try to pay attention to my friends and help when i can, offering advice, comfort or humor when necessary. when i love someone, i love unabashedly and usually loyally. none of this means anything without the proper motivation.

i'm tired of letting myself be whoever it is i just naturally am without considering the consequences or holding myself accountable to who i should be. the mistakes i've made, both named and unamed, that have resulted from this lifestyle are myriad. and it is no longer just a few mistakes - now it has become my entire life. my christianity has become entirely nominal. and what good is sacrifice when your reasoning is hollow? i don't want to be that person any longer.

also, i've been trying to figure out why orthodoxy has so pulled me in. i understand the initial interest, but have been surprised by my continued commitment. and all i can say is that...i've found something that works. it makes me think and it makes me feel and it makes me care, which is more than i can say for myself for the past couple years. i find freedom in the structure and feel the presence of god without it having to be emotionally teased from me. [for the first time, i feel as if i'm told women can't be leaders, but don't feel the oppression that generally comes with it].

i want to continue to be honest, not only with myself, but with others. if it comes time that i convert, i know i will have to open myself up to confession in a way i never have before. and that terrifies me. but hopefully that will begin a practice which will continue my entire life.

"lord my god, i know that i am not worthy nor sufficient that thou shouldest enter under my roof into the habitation of my soul, for it is all deserted and in ruins, and thou hast not a fitting place in me to lay thy head...thou didst not reject the sinful woman who ventured to draw near to touch thee, so also have pity on me, a sinner, approaching to touch thee...for it is not with careless heart that i approach thee, o christ my god, but i come trusting in thine infinite goodness, and fearing lest i may be drawn afar from thee and become the prey of the wolf of souls...implant in my members the fear of thee, be thou my helper and guide, directing my life in the paths of peace, and make me worthy to stand at thy right hand with thy saints..."

- from st. john chrysostom