I am:

Fucking exhausted by all the thoughts in my head that take up so much of my time and don't change a damn thing. Can't change a damn thing.

Because none of this was up to me. I didn't choose it.

funny...

...i would've thought i would feel more.

god, give me what my soul needs.

amalgam:

"love has no other desire but to fulfill itself

but if your love and must needs have desires,

let these be your desires:

to melt and be like a running brook

that sings its melody to the night.

to know the pain of too much tenderness.

to be wounded by your own understanding of love;

and to bleed willingly and joyfully.

to wake at dawn with a winged heart

and give thanks for another day of loving;

to rest at the noon hour and meditate love's ecstacy;

to return home at eventide with gratitude;

and then to sleep with a prayer

for the beloved in your heart

and a song of praise upon your lips."

 - kahlil gibran: let these be your desires

i am much more comfortable with deciding than considering. as a result, prolonged personal reflection is difficult sometimes. but following an unwise course of action? that's like home to me.

"and if you feel just like a tourist in the city you were born

then it's time to go

and define your destination - there's so many different places to call home

because when you find yourself the villain in the story you have written

it's plain to see

that sometimes the best intentions are in need of redemptions - would you agree? 

if so, please show me"

 - death cab for cutie: you are a tourist

"well, i've got no one's word and nobody's promise
not a lot to show but this book full of sonnets
and my liver may be fucked by my heart is honest"
 - passenger: things that stop you dreaming

lord jesus christ, son of god, have mercy on me - a sinner.

the problem i have with dating:

to be interpreted as the reason it's an issue for me rather than the issue i have with it as a topic [or a gerund].

i stumbled upon this realization in a very extroverted type of way, which is highly rare for me. in talking to my roommate this evening about Things Which I Only Recently Realized Were Things, i spoke out of my mouth without really considering it that for a person to even qualify in my mind as potential dating material, they would have to eclipse the love i still have for one man [guy, boy]* and my enjoyment of my time with another simultaneously.

after saying it, i realized it was true. and now that i'm typing it, i realize [yes, a little late, whatever] that it's mostly impossible. AND since i've said so much out of my mouth already tonight, i think i won't actually speak that truth aloud.

in the grand scheme of things, there's nothing particularly special about these two particular people. they are both intelligent, funny and unassuming in their own way. they can also be narcissistic, stubborn and blind to themselves.

i love them both. deeply and in the most ridiculous manner possible.

i have no right to love either one of them - they have both rejected me in their turn [not that that makes them unique either] and done nothing since that time to earn my respect, my care or even my consideration. which leads me to believe that i am really the worse kind of woman. of person. i would, do and probably will continue to waste my time looking for exactly what has already walked away from me. twice. twice!

at least this explains to me a little more why i am where i'm at. it is truly a situation of my own devising and of my own choice. and, let's be honest, one that i will continue to choose for the time to come. for time immemorial?

...let's not go overboard.

*the objective part of my mind recognizes that when one is nearly 30, one's peers are most definitely adults and worthy of being referred to as "men" and "women." however, the realistic part of my mind (the part that feels more like myself) automatically still says boy and girl. yet another thing i choose and can't unchoose. *shrug*

mmm

brussel sprouts. and all manner of good things.

camping

i'm just going to put this out there in the universe and hope that it comes true.

well, two things, actually:

i want to move somewhere different and have a job that i feel like makes a difference
and
i want to go camping every weekend in between now and november.

Today:

Today, I heard a message of liberal love in a conservative church and it warmed my heart.
Today, I cried at a wind farm and the hope that I have that we can truly make this world a better place.
Today, I heard a portion of a conversation not meant for me, and it showed me that my world will adjust and my world will right itself.
Today, I felt free to follow whatever path life has for me.
Today, I sat on my back porch while the thunder and rain came and danced and went on it's way.

Today, I wanted to go camping.

God, sometimes I am overcome with how much I am my own worst enemy.

My garden is both literally and figuratively overgrown.

Written 1.15.2013:

some things are so unabashedly beautiful they make my heart ache, but my mouth runs dry when trying to describe them. oftentimes even my memories are only of the faintest impressions of something meaningful, and purposeful and i struggle to even describe the context. i sound ignorant in the attempt.


i find myself seriously over analyzing recent situations, as if the thoughts i have and decisions i make in hindsight can change anything. my life has a definitive turning point - a point which i thought was a moment in time, a change in my direction...something that profoundly changed me, but to which i was no longer reacting.
false. oh. so. false.

i hate that i have so many people in my life that i can no longer talk to. i doubly hate that it is historically my choice to cut myself off from a person - for reasons, but it is nonetheless my decision. at the time i usually think some type of bullshit about how they don't want to talk to me any longer or (more childishly), how ceasing to be in relationship with them will hurt them as much as they have usually hurt me.

i'm an asshole. and an idiot.

these people are my community. i'm lucky enough to not only have a family of origin, but also a family of my heart. people who surround me with love and encouragement when my life gets difficult or my heart is aching for some reason or another. i wish 28-year-old-me could tell 26-year-old-me, 24-year-old-me and 21-year-old-me that there will come a time when i will wish that i had not cut off those who had hurt me, because being hurt is a part of life. and that i will come to love who i am, and i will come to see God's direction through all that hurt that seemed senseless at the time. that it all serves a purpose. and that it will be okay.

but instead i sit here, feeling like an idiot and an asshole.

i think, more than missing pieces of my community, missing those who have had a hand in shaping me (for good or bad), i regret fracturing those remain in my community from those who are in their community.

this is not eloquent, it's not intelligent, it's just thoughts floating around in my head the past few days. i hope that, in the future, i will be smart enough and patient enough to wait for any hurt or ache to lessen without breaking the relationship. because getting hurt IS a part of life, as cliche as that seems. for now, i will be thankful for those who remain my family, despite me being myself and pray that i will be older next time.