apparently i post once a month these days.

or these months. whatever. : )

two nights more:

two nights more and i'm back in wichita. one of those nights will be spent in the company of four 13-year-old girls and the best friend i've made in kansas city. i'm crazy. : )



things that have brought me inexpressible joy lately:

1. death cab released an EP! i discovered this on accident whilst perusing my local downloading website...and i am all agog with the awesomeness that is them. i should keep up on my favorite bands more.

2. ice cream. doesn't matter what the weather is like, i want a vanilla milkshake. jeez. it does bring all the boys to the yard.

3. realizing how comfortable i am in wichita. i love love love kansas city, but wichita feels like home...
probably because it is.

three things don't seem like much, but it's enough. in the midst of sleeping on the floor in an apartment which isn't mine, living out of a laundry basket and a duffel bag, having very little climate control [of which i am overly fond] and absolutely no privacy [of which i am the #1 freaking fan] those three things are holding me together right now.

tomorrow is my last day at the bank where i have worked for two years. save college jobs, this is the longest i've maintained employment anywhere. i've fought with customers, my coworkers, The System [aka The Man] and myself here, but overall i have adored this job. i came to kansas city to attend seminary, hoping to find a community there like i found at sterling, but instead i quit school and found a wonderful community where i work. news flash: Sterling College Is Not Like The Real World. easy to joke about - hard to understand.

anyway, moving again. i've moved something like twice a year for the past seven years. seven years! that's almost a quarter of my entire life. i'm ready to be done - even if that means sticking around wichita for awhile.

my welcome home party should include a hookah bar. just sayin'.

i take small comfort in the fact that my reactions run toward anger instead of tears. conviction is conviction, after all.


i've been productive lately, although i find that going so long without saying anything makes it difficult to use words at all.


all of a sudden, i have 17 days worth of music on my laptop and find myself in need of a new camera and an ipod with larger storage capacity. lame.


this is the front of a card i made for my roommate's sister's wedding. the image was taken from lollychops.com and translated into an embroidery pattern by me. i love the look of embroidered paper - things like this make me want to start my own business.

cat stevens' rendition of "morning has broken" has got to be one of my favorite songs to fall asleep to. some day...some day i won't be a shell of a human being. this has gotten ridiculous.

confessions:

god forgive me for failing [over and over and over] to actively focus on and participate in the kingdom of heaven during worship. it's a crime to miss out on those opportunities on a daily basis - but even moreso when i have supposedly set aside time solely for worship. help me to master my mind and thoughts so that i am able to seek your face and dwell in your presence, at least during specific worship times.

god, continue to convict me about how cynical and judgemental i am. i am so quick to roll my eyes or have no grace for difficult people, not caring at all why they are acting/do act the way they do. how can i claim to "fulfill the mandates of my calling" [!] when i fail every time i am confronted with a difficult person? i can't, that's how.

forgive me for using people as a means to an end. forgive me for spending so much of my time encouraging others to trust you, then failing to do so myself. forgive me for balking at things that seem even the slightest bit difficult or even impossible.

continue to convict me. make me live my life in active participation in the kingdom of god.


how's that for confession, lindsey?

things i love [inspired by random text messages]:

having a best friend. late night phone calls that aren't about sex. warm rainy days. you, in a suit. seriously! van morrison. reading books at the same time as/with the aforementioned best friend. cooking. tiny, crocheted buddhas. [i would like to be able to make these dolls and mail them to someone on every continent. but only if they would take pictures of them and send the photos to me]. being close to my parents, both physically and emotionally. insurance (it's easier to appreciate things when you're without). free concerts, bitches. having daylight enough for photography again. getting off work early. planning weekend roadtrips. farmers makets!

i turned a quarter century old recently, and blessed with awesome celebration.

green cake. green cake! man, these ladies know me well.


i had to wear that damn button...well, not much of the day. i was supposed to wear it all day, but it was bigger than my chest, so i politely declined.

furthermore, i have beer. and it's not lent anymore, so i can drink it! wee!

strange dreams:

i had [have?] a friend who recently got released from jail. his story makes me so sad - mostly because he's forever tainted with a certain life-ruining label simply because he was an idiot who wanted to act like a child instead of an adult. i knew him well before he got arrested, and knew that, moron though he was, he would never intentionally hurt or take advantage of anyone.

he was arrested my sophomore year of college, and i went to see him several times before he was moved from the county jail closeby to somewhere too far to visit. he was always laughing and joking...and really accepted everybody - something that did me well to see, judgemental bitch that i was. i remember i was driving through hutch one evening and it started raining so hard that the roads were flooding. i ended up right by his house, so called him and came over. we went ... well, basically swimming through the streets, laughing at people trying to drive in the torrential flash flood. i spent an hour sitting on his couch, wrapped up in a comforter waiting for my clothes to finish in the dryer while we watched music videos and he told me stories of the stupid things he and his roommate had done that weekend before.

we went to see norma jean in lawrence at the beginning of my sophomore year of college with his cousin, another friend of mine. i, like an idiot, got way too close to the mosh pit and ended up getting punched in the face and getting a bloody nose. i thought that both of them were going to find the guy who [accidentally, mind you] hit me and kill him. i used my friend as a human shield for the rest of the show, and he dutifully stood there while i cowered behind him.

i had a dream about him last night...it didn't just involve him, but the other people who have been a mutual part of our lives. he had gotten out of jail and was spending a lot of time in his woodworking studio [because apparently he's an artist now?]. i had walked by there several times and not had the guts to go in and talk to him - afraid that we would have changed so much in five years that we would hardly recognize each other. so i took a deep breath, walked into the studio and nodded hello to some random guy sitting in waiting chairs there. there was my friend, sitting on the floor making some table or chair or something and absolutely covered in sawdust. he stood up and smiled at me, and i burst into tears and he hugged me and we just stood there.

and the strangest part? he was only wearing basketball shorts and roller skates.

this is me

forcing myself to be in a good mood.

"just because i'm sorry doesn't mean i didn't enjoy it at the time."

i'm not a huge fan of snow patrol, but i love that line.

i am an unabashed reader of perez hilton, and he informs me that facebook now owns the rights to all of the stuff that i've uploaded on there [like photos that i hope to sell someday]. sonofabitch. i'm pissed enough that i may close my facebook account, although that doesn't seem to matter.

irk. irk. irked.

why you make me uncomfortable:

i am not to be patronized. i am not to be talked down to, or placated. [sidenote: if i desire placation, i'll talk to my mother, my roommate or my best friend] i know that i'm not the most educated, intelligent, attractive or well-traveled person in the world - even in my small group of friends. but do. not. speak to me as if my experiences are just another blip on the generalized radar of life. i don't need to think i'm special constantly. if you're trying to woo someone, treating them that way is a good idea, however.
that metaphor [simile?] sucks. but whatever.
i do not enjoy feeling as if when i talk to you, you're too busy watching my mouth move to hear the words that come out of it.

i am currently full of shame. i downloaded beyonce's "i am...sasha fierce" last night. and i like a kanye west song. what, oh what, is happening to this indie rocker?! oh, and jason mraz. don't even get me started on jason mraz.




is it time for my vacation yet?

new rule:

you are not allowed to complain about how "the government doesn't want to help you" when you've got so much money you have to keep it in three different banks, even with the new $250,000.00 FDIC limits. gift me $1,000.00. you'll never miss it, and i won't stress about money for the rest of the year.
please. shut your entitled face.
love,
jamie