recent failures:

stop smoking and stop drinking.
failed: check and check.

my passivity in regards to my spirituality has increased to the point of eating me alive. i had thought i was working to cultivate this ...thing. this place where i could rest and relax and be - but instead i realize that i am beyong even realizing how terribly selfish and self-serving i have become.

everything i do is for no one but me. and it is so painfully obvious, when i see a situation that would have spurred me to action now causes me to run and hide - because everything i do, everything i give comes only from me. when i run out of strength or patience or endurance, there is none coming from anywhere else. i'm just out of it.

i hate that. i hate being this way and i hate feeling like this. and i can talk about how i hate it until my face falls off, but i obviously don't hate it so much that i am doing anything about it.

bitches.