i hate t-shirts:

last night i fell asleep praying. for the first time in...well, far too long. and it felt natural, not forced. which was nice all on its own.

yesterday was full of interesting thoughts. hoommrate and i left the apartment [!] to go walking around down by the nelson-atkins [something we did SO MUCH MORE when we lived over by westport], and these walks usually end in a pile of new facebook-worthy quotes as well as creative inspiration for us in our various endeavors. one thing which came up in conversation several times was what happens to be the favorite quote of both of us from jane austen's mansfield park.
fanny so eloquently states this as a reply to her family's urging her to marry henry crawford, whom she does not trust and does not love. "i think it ought not to be set down as certain, that a man must be acceptable to every woman he may happen to like himself." i recall megan reading this exerpt in her oral interpretation final our senior year in undergrad. it made me smile then and it always makes me smile now.
one of the things i love most about walking around down there is that it reminds me every time how much i love kansas city and how much i am going to miss aspects of it when i move back to wichita. kansas city is large, spread out across a wide area and encompassing many suburbs and different districts. but in this large, sprawling city i've made myself a small community consisting of the people i see at school, know from undergrad or run into at work and other places. as much as i complain about seeing people from work in my regular life, it makes me feel at home in a place that seemed so empty when i first moved here.
there's a man who comes into the bank almost daily and spends far more time than necessary chatting - he offered to help me move furniture into my apartment, should i ever need a truck. straight up and with no strings attached. i love that i know the names of almost everyone that i see daily. that i can predict, almost down to the minute, when a certain customer is going to walk in and what he or she will say.
this job...this job. it's lucrative, easy and arguably helpful to people. but it's just a job. it's not something that i wake up every morning passionate about. it's not something i could spend my life doing and feel as if i've made a difference - even a small one. in several months when i quit this job and move somewhere else, i will miss the people i see every day terribly. but i can't help but feel pulled towards something that means more. something that is worth more. anyone is capable of doing the job i do daily. i want to find a place that not just anyone can fill.

and then find a master's program for philosophy which i could do online. that would rock, too.

and then, since i'm dreaming, i'd like to get married and have children and create a sustainable living and then have tons of friends and family surrounding me all the time while i continue to change the world and raise small people who will continue to change the world after i am long dead. you know...since i'm dreaming. : )