the problem i have with dating:

to be interpreted as the reason it's an issue for me rather than the issue i have with it as a topic [or a gerund].

i stumbled upon this realization in a very extroverted type of way, which is highly rare for me. in talking to my roommate this evening about Things Which I Only Recently Realized Were Things, i spoke out of my mouth without really considering it that for a person to even qualify in my mind as potential dating material, they would have to eclipse the love i still have for one man [guy, boy]* and my enjoyment of my time with another simultaneously.

after saying it, i realized it was true. and now that i'm typing it, i realize [yes, a little late, whatever] that it's mostly impossible. AND since i've said so much out of my mouth already tonight, i think i won't actually speak that truth aloud.

in the grand scheme of things, there's nothing particularly special about these two particular people. they are both intelligent, funny and unassuming in their own way. they can also be narcissistic, stubborn and blind to themselves.

i love them both. deeply and in the most ridiculous manner possible.

i have no right to love either one of them - they have both rejected me in their turn [not that that makes them unique either] and done nothing since that time to earn my respect, my care or even my consideration. which leads me to believe that i am really the worse kind of woman. of person. i would, do and probably will continue to waste my time looking for exactly what has already walked away from me. twice. twice!

at least this explains to me a little more why i am where i'm at. it is truly a situation of my own devising and of my own choice. and, let's be honest, one that i will continue to choose for the time to come. for time immemorial?

...let's not go overboard.

*the objective part of my mind recognizes that when one is nearly 30, one's peers are most definitely adults and worthy of being referred to as "men" and "women." however, the realistic part of my mind (the part that feels more like myself) automatically still says boy and girl. yet another thing i choose and can't unchoose. *shrug*