desperation:

seriously. last night and tonight were evenings made for dates. or date-type hanging out. i would take it.


i thought that moving 210 miles away from eric would fuel my resolve to stop thinking on him. wrong. i thought that leaving wichita and coming to kansas city would immediately recenter my heart on the fact that he is not good for me. wrong. i thought that the availability of other males worthy of my attention would distract me from my first "post-relationship crush." wrong.

wrong wrong wrong!

i...gah. honesty, because i'm tired of not having it: i want, more than anything, for there to be meaning to the things that he says and does. and i think i'm drawn to an eric that used to exist, that i wish was still around. if i had known him four years ago, would he still be the person he is now? [____] would the story have been any different? would the story be any different now? despite my recent ability to be a real human being, i'm still so susceptible to cynicism and bitterness. i want someone who will embrace this call of poverty and love and move with me into the city. [____] eric is not that. despite his bumbling, clever, silly attractiveness - he is not that.

when will truly feeling like an adult happen? when i'm 25? 28? 30? whenever i get my first career-oriented job and am entirely providing for myself? when i can truly master my own thoughts and emotions?

someone to whom i've become close recently said to me that it seems as if the older we get, the less resilient we become. perhaps that has something to do with this - i can't bounce back like i used to. too much has a profound and lasting effect on me: and not always in a positive way.


i want you out of my heart and out of my mind unless that's where god wants you. and even if it is, then god and i need to have a chat.