today i spent 4 hours sitting at panera, talking to friends about this idea of God's love for the city and how the church needs to realign itself to this purpose. indulging in my curiosity afterwards, i decided to call eric since he is apparently being friendly this weekend and get his input on the whole thing.
he is...so closed off. and cynical. his bitterness literally hurts my heart, and for so many reasons. while i know in my heart eric will not take up the cross of poverty and follow me into the city, my head still liked playing with the idea. and thus my heart sneaked its little way around that thought and began to meditate on it. now, i've been emotionally vacant for long enough at this point that my heart hasn't hurt over anything in the better part of two years. and now...now that i'm ready to open my heart up to feeling and thinking and existing again, this has to be the first thing it comes across. if i was younger, if i was a little more innocent i might be able to harbor the fantasy that i can be passionate and loving and honest enough to change him. but i'm none of those things, and i know better now.
i have to let you go. i have to let hope for this silly little daydream of mine go. this kind of hope is doing nothing more than killing me, especially now that i understand what hope truly is once more.
i rarely let myself indulge in this type of wishing, but i want to be married. i want to find someone who will be passionate about what i am passionate about and excited to live in the city and sacrifice the middle-class lifestyle for something greater that god has called both of us to.
i want. to have someone. to share this life that i am so excited about with.
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