love or a lack thereof

you. stop looking at me as you do.

what do i want in life? i was recently asked this question - to which i responded something about working with street kids in london.
what do i want in life with regards to a family or a husband or a home life? i don't know. i'm ... scared. for as flippant as i am about my heart and the past treatment of it, and for as much as i realize that neither michael nor eric never...intended to hurt me the way they did, i'm scared of that happening again. i don't trust people to not be total douchebags, in all honesty.

my track record isn't the greatest. and it's mostly my own fault. i firmly believe that, had we not dated / drunkenly made out (respectively) i would have two very close and meaningful friendships from the michael / eric debacles.

so, there's this guy. who...okay, i'll admit it i don't know him very well. but i could see him being another great friend - a friend like chris. bleeargh. once the decision to be in a relationship has been made, for the most part, the ability to be really close friends with someone disappears. maybe i just don't have enough control over my heart, or perhaps i just expect too much. i don't know.

this is a retarded blog, i just don't have anyone to talk to about this, so i talk to myself.
i love this song.

more on politics and religion

after i wrote that yesterday, i couldn't help but continue thinking about this issue and why i'm so passionate about it.
i recall sitting in sunday school at the first church i tried when i moved to kansas city (and i think, unconsciously, this was when i made the decision to not go to this church anymore) and the person who was teaching tangented regarding the christian's need to be outspoken in politics and blah blah blah. i know i made a face, i couldn't help it. i just...do not agree with that.
i can't help but wonder about the times in past that christianity was a political conviction and not a religious one. it never turned out well.

religion will not purify politics, because people in politics are vastly politicians first and people of religion second. because of that, i believe that the only thing that can possibly happen (at least here, in this country) is that whatever religion will be corrupted, used and distorted for political justification and gain.

how. is this a good idea?

of course you are:

of course he is!



my superpower defined: i can spot a libertarian at 40 paces. now that's an average, depending on whether or not they are facing me, and what the weather is like that day.

ugh. i don't usually go in for talking about politics, unless it's the "politics/religion" mix, and then i have rather strong feelings on the subject.
but seriously.
i am voting for barack obama. and if it turns out to be a mistake i will heartily eat my words (and my hopes) and move to canada...okay, perhaps not the moving to canada part (at least, not yet) but i will be gracious enough to admit that it was a mistake, if it turns out to be so. i've heard it said that clinton and obama are basically for the same things, and that hillary, having more experience, would be the better president. perhaps this is true. i, however, put stock in something greater than just experience. i believe that obama's ability to inspire hope in people is exactly what this country needs. exactly what this world needs.
i don't know about everyone else, but i was raised being told (and believing) that it is possible for one person to change the world. change must start with hope - and i firmly believe that barack obama is the man for the job.
as a woman, i'm proud to see both a female and a minority in such likely positions for the presidency, and i will be content to be a in country in which either of them are leaders...

but my vote is still with obama. :)

control:

i am a nerd. who goes to school with other nerds. who study nerdy things and revel about in our own nerdiness.

there is. no hope for me.

today is so gorgeous it makes me want to cry. and call eric. blast him and his being in my thoughts so randomly. i told myself when i decided not to drink until my birthday that i would also not even let myself entertain the notion of speaking to him until my birthday as well. as it is now the beginning of february, i don't know that my birthday is far enough away for me to be ready to speak to him. or even text him.


bleeargh. i started that post on monday, when the weather was wonderful. now, tuesday, the weather is notsomuch. today was not perfect weather for shrove tuesday, but rather perfect weather for the beginning of lent. this year, unlike any year past that i can recall, i am excited for lent and the possibility of change that it brings.

what is lent? it's basically when the church gets emo for awhile.
some days, i think i should be a youth pastor still.