i hate that i have so many people in my life that i can no longer talk to. i doubly hate that it is historically my choice to cut myself off from a person - for reasons, but it is nonetheless my decision. at the time i usually think some type of bullshit about how they don't want to talk to me any longer or (more childishly), how ceasing to be in relationship with them will hurt them as much as they have usually hurt me.

i'm an asshole. and an idiot.

these people are my community. i'm lucky enough to not only have a family of origin, but also a family of my heart. people who surround me with love and encouragement when my life gets difficult or my heart is aching for some reason or another. i wish 28-year-old-me could tell 26-year-old-me, 24-year-old-me and 21-year-old-me that there will come a time when i will wish that i had not cut off those who had hurt me, because being hurt is a part of life. and that i will come to love who i am, and i will come to see God's direction through all that hurt that seemed senseless at the time. that it all serves a purpose. and that it will be okay.

but instead i sit here, feeling like an idiot and an asshole.

i think, more than missing pieces of my community, missing those who have had a hand in shaping me (for good or bad), i regret fracturing those remain in my community from those who are in their community.

this is not eloquent, it's not intelligent, it's just thoughts floating around in my head the past few days. i hope that, in the future, i will be smart enough and patient enough to wait for any hurt or ache to lessen without breaking the relationship. because getting hurt IS a part of life, as cliche as that seems. for now, i will be thankful for those who remain my family, despite me being myself and pray that i will be older next time.