i have a stack of movies and a six-pack of rolling rock waiting [quite patiently, i might add] for me in the fridge. i just have to get this paper finished.
okay, the beer is in the fridge. the movies are in my purse.
i have this daydream that i fall into whenever i'm getting so stressed out that i start chain-smoking and chewing on my lips - ...i just tried three times to describe it and realized that i absolutely sound like an idiot talking about it. rest assured that it is way comforting. and way far in the future.
on paper, you're perfect. well, maybe not perfect because i know that doesn't exist. but on paper, you're pretty damn good anyway.
...i just tried to give my cat alcohol. don't EVER tell my roommate.
this is my stream of consciousness blog, brought to you by the absurdly long paper i have due in three hours and the ridiculous way i gave myself permission to turn it in late. i hope you're enjoying it.
let's see if i can successfully take turns writing several paragraphs and then playing some katamari damacy. or not. because getting up, beer in hand, would be bad right now.
mmmmmmph. fzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz*pop*.
28 March 2008
16 March 2008
she's always around and under my skin:
how ironic.
that's really all i can think about you, is just...how ironic. life bites you [me] in the ass sometimes.
furthermore, my birthday is soon. as in, four days from now. and if i could ever meet a boy that wasn't a total fucking woman, i would be convinced marriage is a possibility for me.
that's really all i can think about you, is just...how ironic. life bites you [me] in the ass sometimes.
furthermore, my birthday is soon. as in, four days from now. and if i could ever meet a boy that wasn't a total fucking woman, i would be convinced marriage is a possibility for me.
29 February 2008
love or a lack thereof
you. stop looking at me as you do.
what do i want in life? i was recently asked this question - to which i responded something about working with street kids in london.
what do i want in life with regards to a family or a husband or a home life? i don't know. i'm ... scared. for as flippant as i am about my heart and the past treatment of it, and for as much as i realize that neither michael nor eric never...intended to hurt me the way they did, i'm scared of that happening again. i don't trust people to not be total douchebags, in all honesty.
my track record isn't the greatest. and it's mostly my own fault. i firmly believe that, had we not dated / drunkenly made out (respectively) i would have two very close and meaningful friendships from the michael / eric debacles.
so, there's this guy. who...okay, i'll admit it i don't know him very well. but i could see him being another great friend - a friend like chris. bleeargh. once the decision to be in a relationship has been made, for the most part, the ability to be really close friends with someone disappears. maybe i just don't have enough control over my heart, or perhaps i just expect too much. i don't know.
this is a retarded blog, i just don't have anyone to talk to about this, so i talk to myself.
i love this song.
what do i want in life? i was recently asked this question - to which i responded something about working with street kids in london.
what do i want in life with regards to a family or a husband or a home life? i don't know. i'm ... scared. for as flippant as i am about my heart and the past treatment of it, and for as much as i realize that neither michael nor eric never...intended to hurt me the way they did, i'm scared of that happening again. i don't trust people to not be total douchebags, in all honesty.
my track record isn't the greatest. and it's mostly my own fault. i firmly believe that, had we not dated / drunkenly made out (respectively) i would have two very close and meaningful friendships from the michael / eric debacles.
so, there's this guy. who...okay, i'll admit it i don't know him very well. but i could see him being another great friend - a friend like chris. bleeargh. once the decision to be in a relationship has been made, for the most part, the ability to be really close friends with someone disappears. maybe i just don't have enough control over my heart, or perhaps i just expect too much. i don't know.
this is a retarded blog, i just don't have anyone to talk to about this, so i talk to myself.
i love this song.
09 February 2008
more on politics and religion
after i wrote that yesterday, i couldn't help but continue thinking about this issue and why i'm so passionate about it.
i recall sitting in sunday school at the first church i tried when i moved to kansas city (and i think, unconsciously, this was when i made the decision to not go to this church anymore) and the person who was teaching tangented regarding the christian's need to be outspoken in politics and blah blah blah. i know i made a face, i couldn't help it. i just...do not agree with that.
i can't help but wonder about the times in past that christianity was a political conviction and not a religious one. it never turned out well.
religion will not purify politics, because people in politics are vastly politicians first and people of religion second. because of that, i believe that the only thing that can possibly happen (at least here, in this country) is that whatever religion will be corrupted, used and distorted for political justification and gain.
how. is this a good idea?
i recall sitting in sunday school at the first church i tried when i moved to kansas city (and i think, unconsciously, this was when i made the decision to not go to this church anymore) and the person who was teaching tangented regarding the christian's need to be outspoken in politics and blah blah blah. i know i made a face, i couldn't help it. i just...do not agree with that.
i can't help but wonder about the times in past that christianity was a political conviction and not a religious one. it never turned out well.
religion will not purify politics, because people in politics are vastly politicians first and people of religion second. because of that, i believe that the only thing that can possibly happen (at least here, in this country) is that whatever religion will be corrupted, used and distorted for political justification and gain.
how. is this a good idea?
08 February 2008
of course you are:
of course he is!
my superpower defined: i can spot a libertarian at 40 paces. now that's an average, depending on whether or not they are facing me, and what the weather is like that day.
ugh. i don't usually go in for talking about politics, unless it's the "politics/religion" mix, and then i have rather strong feelings on the subject.
but seriously.
i am voting for barack obama. and if it turns out to be a mistake i will heartily eat my words (and my hopes) and move to canada...okay, perhaps not the moving to canada part (at least, not yet) but i will be gracious enough to admit that it was a mistake, if it turns out to be so. i've heard it said that clinton and obama are basically for the same things, and that hillary, having more experience, would be the better president. perhaps this is true. i, however, put stock in something greater than just experience. i believe that obama's ability to inspire hope in people is exactly what this country needs. exactly what this world needs.
i don't know about everyone else, but i was raised being told (and believing) that it is possible for one person to change the world. change must start with hope - and i firmly believe that barack obama is the man for the job.
as a woman, i'm proud to see both a female and a minority in such likely positions for the presidency, and i will be content to be a in country in which either of them are leaders...
but my vote is still with obama. :)
my superpower defined: i can spot a libertarian at 40 paces. now that's an average, depending on whether or not they are facing me, and what the weather is like that day.
ugh. i don't usually go in for talking about politics, unless it's the "politics/religion" mix, and then i have rather strong feelings on the subject.
but seriously.
i am voting for barack obama. and if it turns out to be a mistake i will heartily eat my words (and my hopes) and move to canada...okay, perhaps not the moving to canada part (at least, not yet) but i will be gracious enough to admit that it was a mistake, if it turns out to be so. i've heard it said that clinton and obama are basically for the same things, and that hillary, having more experience, would be the better president. perhaps this is true. i, however, put stock in something greater than just experience. i believe that obama's ability to inspire hope in people is exactly what this country needs. exactly what this world needs.
i don't know about everyone else, but i was raised being told (and believing) that it is possible for one person to change the world. change must start with hope - and i firmly believe that barack obama is the man for the job.
as a woman, i'm proud to see both a female and a minority in such likely positions for the presidency, and i will be content to be a in country in which either of them are leaders...
but my vote is still with obama. :)
04 February 2008
control:
i am a nerd. who goes to school with other nerds. who study nerdy things and revel about in our own nerdiness.
there is. no hope for me.
today is so gorgeous it makes me want to cry. and call eric. blast him and his being in my thoughts so randomly. i told myself when i decided not to drink until my birthday that i would also not even let myself entertain the notion of speaking to him until my birthday as well. as it is now the beginning of february, i don't know that my birthday is far enough away for me to be ready to speak to him. or even text him.
bleeargh. i started that post on monday, when the weather was wonderful. now, tuesday, the weather is notsomuch. today was not perfect weather for shrove tuesday, but rather perfect weather for the beginning of lent. this year, unlike any year past that i can recall, i am excited for lent and the possibility of change that it brings.
what is lent? it's basically when the church gets emo for awhile.
some days, i think i should be a youth pastor still.
bleeargh. i started that post on monday, when the weather was wonderful. now, tuesday, the weather is notsomuch. today was not perfect weather for shrove tuesday, but rather perfect weather for the beginning of lent. this year, unlike any year past that i can recall, i am excited for lent and the possibility of change that it brings.
what is lent? it's basically when the church gets emo for awhile.
some days, i think i should be a youth pastor still.
28 January 2008
my problem with life:
i miss mine.
sunday pretty much all i could think...well, besides "please god don't ever let me preach like that," was that pride is the haven of the fearful and i know this is true because my life is a testament to that exact thing. i'm tired of being prideful for no reason except feeling superior allows me to pull away from everyone and everything around me. yeah. because that's worked so well for me in the past. i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of everything.
i'm tired of days that last 13 hours and not getting to sleep in because i have to be in class the next morning. i'm tired of feeling as if i'm just a little bit behind everyone else and nothing is working out for me.
...i spent the past 10 years of my life being the person i wanted to be (more or less) and i never. ever. thought that i would be alienated for it at school. work, maybe. but never school. i'm too goofy to be professional and too liberal to be a youth leader.
this is what they call Professionally Screwed.
sunday pretty much all i could think...well, besides "please god don't ever let me preach like that," was that pride is the haven of the fearful and i know this is true because my life is a testament to that exact thing. i'm tired of being prideful for no reason except feeling superior allows me to pull away from everyone and everything around me. yeah. because that's worked so well for me in the past. i'm sick of it.
i'm sick of everything.
i'm tired of days that last 13 hours and not getting to sleep in because i have to be in class the next morning. i'm tired of feeling as if i'm just a little bit behind everyone else and nothing is working out for me.
...i spent the past 10 years of my life being the person i wanted to be (more or less) and i never. ever. thought that i would be alienated for it at school. work, maybe. but never school. i'm too goofy to be professional and too liberal to be a youth leader.
this is what they call Professionally Screwed.
26 January 2008
donation drive:
i officially need the gold edition of logos bible software.
it's only about $1,400.00 and i think it can be classified as necessary to my daily life.
i wonder if it functions like a cup of coffee - the more expensive ones offer free refills. if you really pay that much for the ultimate software, you get to update it for free foreverandeveramen.
right. because christians are going to randomly stop being greedy and see the importance of poor seminarians studying the word of god. cheaply.
eff.
it's only about $1,400.00 and i think it can be classified as necessary to my daily life.
i wonder if it functions like a cup of coffee - the more expensive ones offer free refills. if you really pay that much for the ultimate software, you get to update it for free foreverandeveramen.
right. because christians are going to randomly stop being greedy and see the importance of poor seminarians studying the word of god. cheaply.
eff.
24 January 2008
my life is so hard.
it's really hard to look cute when my nose is puffy and red and i've spilled my tea in my lap.
however, pathetic isn't a far stretch. clearly i'm someone worth getting to know.
anytime now.
however, pathetic isn't a far stretch. clearly i'm someone worth getting to know.
anytime now.
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